I've Decided to Get Real Mad About These Hats.
By Jim Mundorf
As someone who hasn’t been on a college campus for quite some time, I have only recently learned about cultural appropriation and how offended I’m supposed to be when someone goes strutting around in someone else’s cultural duds. You know like, dressing up as an Indian on Halloween or wearing a sombrero on Cinco de Mayo. That’s really bad now and if you see anybody doing it you’re supposed to get real mad.
So the other day I caught a glimpse of this lady on the news, and when I saw the number one symbol of my culture so beautifully and delicately placed up on the tip top of her head, I thought to myself, "that is one bitchin hat,” and then I thought, “I bet she ain’t even a real Cowboy.”
I got curious and looked her up. Frederica Wilson, and I was right she’s not a Cowboy at all she’s just some 2-bit politician from Florida that likes to eavesdrop on phone calls. She just happens to use a Cowboy hat to make herself look awesome.
Then I realized, everyone else seems to be pissed off all the time lately. And sometimes they are able to bring other suckers outside of their group into their little pissed off worlds and they're all pissed off together. Sure they seem anxious and stressed out all the time, but it must do something for them, because they just keep looking for more things to be mad about and more people keep joining in. So what the heck. I was born and raised around cows. My families been raising cows clear back to Adam. Now that’s a heritage for you. So I decided, this is it! This is my one shot. I can be mad about this and damn it I will be mad about this!
So now I am talking to you Frederica. I am asking, have you ever spent a day in the saddle, or waded through cow shit, or cut off a pair of testicles? If the answer is no, I demand you remove that magnificently bedazzled Cowboy hat from the tippy top of your head. I demand you apologize to the people of this great nation who are burdened with spending their day’s horseback, viewing the most beautiful scenery, and working at the most fulfilling job known to man. I demand that you beg for forgiveness for the rest of your born days.
P.S. I also demand an apology from 95% of the Country singers who have ever worn a Cowboy hat.
Update: Changed my mind. I got to thinking, I been around cows plenty, but Cowboyings not my full time gig. There’s a lot more people out there that know cows better than me. What if they demand I take off my hat? That’s a road I don’t want to go down. Carry on Frederica... carry on with your bad self.